Duas /Recitations to get Married
In case a boy or a girl has not been able to get married & wishes to do so ,Recite foll :-
-Sura-e-Muzammil each day once for 41 days & pray for it REF: Wazaif-ut-talib, pg no. 76.
-Recite verse 36 of Yasin 100 times before salat of tahajjud for 40 days
"subh'aanallad'ee khalaqal azwaaja kullahaa mimmaa tumbitul arz'u wa min anfusihim wa mimmaa laa ya'lamoon, "
سُبْحَانَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْأَزْوَاجَ كُلَّهَا مِمَّا تُنبِتُ الْأَرْضُ وَمِنْ أَنفُسِهِمْ وَمِمَّا لَا يَعْلَمُونَ ﴿٣٦﴾
-It is written in Biharul Anwar that to invoke the almighty Allah that a grown up boy or a girl be suitably married carry out the following a'mal of du-a'a of
Mashlul
(i) Recite du-a'a al
Mashlul preferably after Fajr salat or any obligatory salat for 40 consecutive days.
(ii) Do not eat animal flesh
(iii) Always remain the state of Ablution
(iv) Wear Ihram dress at the time of reciting the du-a'a
Dua'a 181 Recite the following du-a'a after giving sadaqa to deserving mumin .
“O Causer of the Causes; O He who opens the doors (to opportunities); O’ He who gives an answer to the call from wherever (He is called).”
Yaa Musabbibal Asbaabi Yaa Mufattihal Abwaabi Yaa Man Haythu Maa Du-ee-Ya Ajaaba
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-Dua'a 182 According to Biharul Anwar to invoke the almighty Allah that a grown up boy or girl be suitably married recite the following du-a'a 100 times daily for 40 consecutive days after any obligatory salat.
“Make easy (my difficulties), by Your superabundant favours, O’ the Most Mighty.”
Sahlam Bi Fadhlika Yaa `Azeez
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Dua'a 183 It is written in Bihar al Anwar that if a grown up girl is not receiving any offer of marriage, her father should pray a 2 rak-at salat (like Fajr salat) on Friday after Jumu-ah prayers and after the salam go into Sajdah and recite
surah al Muzzammil (chapter 73) 21 times. Inshallah very soon she will be married to a suitable man.
Dua'a 184 It is written in Biharul Anwar to write the following portion of verse 132 of at Ta Ha on a paper with the solution of musk, saffron and rose water and bind it as a Ta'wid on the right arm, if a man desires to be married soon. Bind another Ta'wid like above on the right arm of the man or woman who is negotiating the proposal of marriage.
“It is We who give you sustenance, and the good of the hereafter is for those who have Allah consciousness and guard themselves against evil.” Nahnu Narzuquka wal `Aaqibatu Lit-Taqwa
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-Dua'a 185 It is written in Kanzul Maknun to write the following du-a'a on a paper like a Ta'wid and bind it on the right arm of the grown up girl who is not receiving any offer of marriage. Inshallah, soon she will be married. As there is ismi a'z'am in this du-a'a, it should be removed during menses.
O Light of everything which guides them, You are He who cuts asunder darkness with His light.
yaa noora kulli shay-in wa hudaahu antallad'ee falaqaz' z'ulumaati binooruhoo
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Dua'a 186 Matrimonial affairs proposal of Marriage According to Imam Jafar bin Muhammad as Sadiq(as), it is written in Biharul Anwar, whoever desires to marry should recite the following du-a'a before making a formal request for marriage.
اَللّٰهُمَّ اِنِّيْ اُرِيْدُ اَنْ اَتَزَوَّجَ فَقَدِّرْ لِيْ مِنَ النِّسَآءِ اَعْفِهُنَّ فَرْجًا وَ احْفَظِهُنَّ لِيْ فِيْ نَفْسِهَا وَ اَوْسِعْهُنَّ لِيْ رِزْقًا وَاَعْظَمِهُنَّ لِيْ بَرَكَةً فِيْ نَفْسِهَا وَ مَا لِيْ فَقَدِّرْ لِيْ مِنْهَا وَلَدًا طَيِّبًا تَجْعَلُهٗ خَلَفًا صَالِحًا فِيْ حَيَاتِيْ وَ بَعْدَمَوْتِي
“O’ Allah! I desire to marry, so arrange for me a woman from those who willingly abstain from what is unlawful and who safeguards her soul for my sake and because of her, not only my means of sustenance will increase, but also make there be in it abundance and also make it sure that she will give me a virtuous son, who will be a noble successor in my life and after my death.”
Allahumma Innee Urreedu An Atazawwaja Faqaddir Lee Minan Nisaa-I A’fihunna Farjajan wa Ah’fadh’ihunna Lee Fee Nafsihaa Wa Awsa-i-Hunna Lee Rizwan Wa A-dhamahunna Lee Barakatan Fee Nafsihaa Wa Maaleee Faqaddir Lee Minhaa Waladan Tayyiban Tajaluhoo Khalafan Saalihan Fee Hayaatee Wa Ba`da Mawtee.
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Dua'a 187
-It is written in Behaarul Anwaar that if unmanageable impediments are obstructing your marriage write the following verses (Taahaa: 131, 132) with saffron and keep it on the body. Inshallah all hindrances will disappear.
وَلاَ تَمُدَّنَّ عَيْنَيْكَ اِلٰى مَا مَتَّعْنَا بِهٖ اَزْوَاجًا مِّنْهُمْ زَهْرَةَ الْحَيٰوةِ الدُّنْيَا، لِنَفْتِنَهُمْ فِيْهِ، وَرِزْقُ رَبِّكَ خَيْرٌ وَّ اَبْقٰى. وَاْمُرْ اَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلٰوةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا، لاَ نَسْئَلُكَ رِزْقًا، نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ، وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوٰى.
wa laa tamuddanna a’ynayka elaa maa matta’naa behi azwaajam minhum zahratal hayaatid dunyaa, le naftenahum feehe, wa rizqo rabbeka khayruwn wa abqaa. waamur ahlaka bis-salaate was’t’abir a’layhaa laa nas-aloka rizqaa nah’no narzoqok wal a’aqebato littaqwaa.
Do not strain your eyes towards that which we have given for enjoyment to parties (wedded pairs) of them, the splendor of the life of this world, so that we may try them in it. The provision of your lord is better and more lasting. Enjoin prayer (salat) on your followers, and adhere steadily to it, we do not ask you to provide (subsistence), (it is) We who give you subsistence; and (the good of) the hereafter is for those who safeguard themselves against evil with full awareness of divine laws.]
188 -To get your daughter married in a good family the following A’amal is recommended
i) Recite two rak-at salat with the niyat of hajaat.
ii) Then recite 11 times salawat.
iii) Then recite the five tasbih of Sayyida Fatima Zehra as under :
ALLAAHU AKBAR 34 Times ALHAMDULILLAH 34 Times SUBHANALLAH 33 Times LAA ILAHA ILLALLAH Once
iv) Recite 11 times salawat.
v) Then recite the following Surahs consequently: Taha (#20), Shu-ara (#26), Naml (#27), Qasas (#28), Ya Sin (#36) & Shura (#42).
Beseech Allah swt with intercession of the 14 Masumin (a.s.) and the marriage relationship of Imam Ali (a.s.) and Sayyida Fatima (a.s.) and pray for the girls of our community and then your own daughter(s).
In the name of Allah, the Most Kind, the Most Merciful
- Importance of Early Marriage in Islam
A Social, Cultural, Educational & Religious E-Forum Under the Facilitation of the World Federation of KSI Muslim Communities Issue No. 07-06, May 26, 2006 / Rabi' al Thaani 27, 1427 AH
The institution of marriage has been given tremendous importance in Islam. Generally, in the terms of jurisprudence it is highly recommended, but in many cases due to extraordinary circumstances, it becomes obligatory and a religious duty. For instance, marriage becoming obligatory when there is a chance of adultery or any other similar sin.
The Holy Prophet (SAW) said,"The best people of my Umma are those who get married and have chosen their wives and the worst people of my nation are those who have kept away from marriage and are passing their lives as bachelors."(Mustadrakul Wasail by Muhaddith Noori, Vol 2, Pg 531).
As one matures physically, sexual desires develop in the individual and gradually both girls and boys start getting attracted to each other, which slowly develops into some sort of psychological pressure. This natural and undirected emotion gradually seeks solace in whatever form possible. Unfortunately more often than not, it results in the youngsters deviating from the right path and indulging in some unwanted and undesired habits. Before becoming victims of ill-directed lust, it is better for them to get married and settle down. Therefore, the leaders of Islam have advised their followers to follow this most important Sunnah. As the Holy Prophet (SAW) states:"O youths, whosoever among you can marry, he should do so because marriage protects your eyes (from indulging in sin by looking lustfully at others in privacy."(Makaarimul Akhlaq).
Imam Sadiq (AS) narrates that one day the Holy Prophet (SAW) went on the pulpit and said,"O people, Jibraeel has brought unto me a divine command stating that girls are like fruits from a tree. If they are not plucked in time then they get rotten by the rays of the sun and a slight blow of the wind will result in their falling down from the tree. Similarly, when girls attain maturity, then like other women they develop emotions related to sex and there is no cure for it except her husband. If they are not married, prevention of character corruption becomes a remote possibility because after all they are human beings and no human is free from vice."(Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol 5, Pg 337).
In yet another tradition from Mustadrakul Wasail it is narrated that"When a youngster marries early in his youth, Shaitaan cries out of desperation and says, Alas! This person has protected one third of his religion, now he will protect the remaining two thirds also."
Imam Sadiq (as) narrates from the Holy Prophet (saww) that he said,"Those believers who marry, protect half of their religion from danger."
In yet another tradition, Imam Sadiq (as) says,"Two Rak'as of a married person is better than seventy Rak'as of an unmarried one."(Wasailush Shia, Vol 5, Pg 1)
The Holy Prophet (saww) once said,"Whoever marries, protects half of his religion, then for the remaining half he must only fear God."(La'alil Akhbar).
The sixth Imam, Imam Sadiq (as) says,"A sleeping married man is better than a fasting unmarried man."
The Messenger of Islam (saww) said,"Do not marry a woman for the following four reasons: Wealth, beauty, ancestry and lust. It is obligatory upon you to marry a woman on account of her religion."(Jaame ul Akhbar).
In yet another tradition, the Messenger of Islam (SAW) has prohibited his followers from marrying a beautiful woman from a disgraceful background.(Bihar ul Anwar, Vol 23, Pg 54).
To get a good, modest and chaste spouse is among the good fortunes of a person according to the leaders of Islam and is also considered as one of the sources by which the religion of a person can be protected. They have conveyed this message quite often that the worship of a married person is much more significant and important before Allah than that of a bachelor or a spinster.
The Holy Prophet (SAW) says:"Among the good fortunes of a man is to have a good wife."Furoo-e-Kafi, Vol. 5, Pg. 327)
Source: Excerpt from An Article by Sajjad Ali By: Yusuf G Kermalli - (Sanford, USA)
http://www.rafed.net/english/women/main/family/matrimony/08-finding-a-spouse.html
In Islam it is clear that marriage is the optimum lifestyle.
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed Signs for people who reflect." (30:21).
Yet, as more and more Muslims become a part of the 'West', the 'West' becomes part of the Ummah and leads us away from the strict interpretation of Islamic guidelines in regard to marriage.
Muslims are not permitted to touch, have social intercourse, have personal relationships, have intimate relationships or date members of the opposite sex outside of specific 'blood' relationships and marriage. Therefore, the customs of the 'West' - dating, inter-gender gatherings, and Internet communications that become personal are forbidden. There are some who would disagree with this statement, saying that this is 'old-fashioned' and that 'times have changed'. we would counter by saying that the injunctions of the Qur'an and Sunnah have never changed - they were written for all times and all peoples. They are, in fact, the categorical imperative that Immanuel Kant strove to find. This is opposed to the customs of the 'West'.
In cultures outside of Islam, dating and touching exist. We see the results every day. Women and men go in and out of relationships, many children are born out of wedlock, children remain fatherless. Fatherless homes are the norm rather than the exception and these homes tend to have a lower standard of living and a higher rate of troubled children.
Muslims are encouraged to marry - and to marry early. Holy Prophet (S.A.W.A) said, "When a man marries, he indeed perfects half of his religion. Then he should fear Allah for the remaining half."
Marriage eliminates the temptation for zina, thus assisting partners to remain on the 'straight path' that Allah has created for us. Marriage is a mercy for us.
Women are encouraged to marry a good Muslim man who offers himself. Men are able to choose a woman based on her appearance, her wealth, her social standing, or her God Consciousness - the latter being the greatest. Nowhere does it say that women can choose based on educational degree or profession. Nowhere does it say a woman or man may seek a spouse based on ethnicity or nationality. Yet, often there are matrimonial ads placed by a woman or her family seeking a 'professional man' or a man of specific ethnic or national origin. Often we see matrimonial ads placed by a man looking for a woman of specific educational degree or specific ethnicity or national origin.
The notion of 'arranged' marriages is still the Islamic way. Marriages may be arranged by family, through a service, through friends, through relatives. Today, especially in the West, there are many settings where Muslims of opposite gender interact because of educational pursuit or employment. It is possible that a couple may meet in a coeducational setting (university) or a work setting and be attracted and wish to make intentions for marriage. This must never be done through personal conversation or interaction. This should not be prolonged. We know the dangers of this situation.
The key to a good marriage arrangement is a good and capable person - one who will do a thorough investigation and a good interview session; one in which ALL questions are asked and answered.
In the many years we saw many people in extreme marital problems because they did not have clear understanding of the responsibilities each expected of the other in marriage. In Islam, this is never the case. The expectations of marriage partners are clearly established. If there is conflict, it is because of what we bring in - not what Islam directs.
While these are 'modern' times, Islam is the perfect religion - the 'categorical imperative' - in regard to the guidelines for life, including marriage. AlHamdullillah!!!(Thank God) This has not changed - and will not change.
Muslim conferences and conventions (like the one being held by the Islamic Society of North America & Muslim American Society) are just one of the many places Muslims in North America often meet potential spouses either to make a decision or to initiate the marriage communication process.
Other places include fundraising dinners, regional seminars, lectures, at the home of a relative or friend, and the local mosque.
Sadly though, Islamic guidelines pertaining to proper conduct between the sexes are not always respected at these meetings.
It is not uncommon to see or hear about potential candidates meeting in private, brothers and sisters “scoping the territory” for a spouse that looks good at Muslim events like conferences or lectures, or starting up a flirtatious conversation with someone they are interested in. None of these things fall within the guidelines of Islam.
Below are some Islamic principles,both general and specific, to consider if you will be be meeting or seeking a potential spouse for yourself or someone else at a conference, lecture, the mosque or another event:
1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.
‘Because all of my friends are' is not a legitimate reason. This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.
Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (saww).
As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He has conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.
“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.
2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.
Prophet Muhammad (saww) said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed”.
This of course, applies to women as well.
However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.
According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.
And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.
“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe.
She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship with your spouse.
3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.
This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).
“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).
“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.
However, for the purpose of marriage looking at a potential mate is permissible (definitely with limits) according to the Hadith:
Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet (saww) said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...”.
This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.
There is certainly limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other, and both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to build an Islamic family.
It is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband); seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction, although some scholars allow to see the hair as well.
4. Get someone to help
Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.
In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar.
Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).
Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.
This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.
For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.
However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.
If parents, other family members, an elderly figure or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.
Always ask for references
This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.
A reference can include an elder who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.
A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.
The advice of one of the Scholar, can help in this regard:
A man came to a Scholar and spoke in praise of another. The Scholar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”
“No.”
“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”
“No.”
“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”
“No.”
“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”
“Yes.”
“Go, for you do not know him...”
And to the man in question, the Scholar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”
This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.
5. When you meet, don't be alone
Rasulullah (saww) said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third”.
Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah (saww) said: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees”.
Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential spouse for example, is forbidden. The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.
Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.
As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Winnipeg-based social worker Shahina Siddiqui. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.
6. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.
The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.
Some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.
Conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.
This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.
With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.
Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).
The couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states even require this before marriage.
Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.
By Sound Vision Staff Writer
PROPOSAL AND ENGAGEMENT – A FEW POINTERS BY SAYYID MUHAMMAD RIZVI“Engagement”Engagement is the time between acceptance of the marriage proposal (khitba) and the marriage ceremony (‘aqd). Once the proposal is accepted, the man and the woman are known as “engaged to be married” or simply “engaged”. Engagement has no recognition in Islamic laws. It is simply an agreement to marry but it is not a binding agreement, it can be broken off with or without a reason.
Who Proposes?
Traditionally in all cultures, it is the man who proposes to the woman; and it is done either directly by the man himself or on his behalf by his family. In the
West, even now the man is expected to get down on his one-knee to propose to the woman he wants to marry. In words of ‘Allama Murtaza Mutahhari,
“From time immemorial man has approached woman with his proposal…
Nature has imbued woman with the disposition of a flower and made the man the nightingale, woman the lamp and man the moth.”
“This is not the case with human beings only. Other animals also behave like this. It is always the function of the male to present himself impatiently and
earnestly before the female...” (The Rights of Women in Islam, p. 15-16) Even the Qur’ãn asks the men to seek women for marriage. (See 4:3) And
so, in the proposal, it is the man who initiates and the woman who accepts. In the actual marriage ceremony, however, it is the woman who initiates the
marriage and the man who accepts it.
When & To Whom?Other than the mahram ladies whom he cannot marry, a man may propose marriage to any single woman. (For list of the mahram ladies, see the Qur’an 4:23-24.)
However, in the following four cases, proposal is not appropriate.(Remember that the contemporary mujtahids have not expressed their opinions on three of the four cases; but scholars of the early centuries of the ghaybat have expressed their opinions.)marriage 2006
1. A divorcee who is in her three months’ waiting period (‘iddah) of the revocable divorce (talaq, a divorce initiated by the husband.) It is forbidden (harãm) to propose to her directly or indirectly before the expiry of her ‘iddah. The divorced couple, in this case, may decide to revoke their divorce during the grace period.
2. A divorcee who is in her three months’ waiting period (‘iddah) ofthe irrevocable divorce (khula‘, a divorce initiated by the wife.)
It is forbidden (harãm) to propose to her directly but one is allowed to propose to her indirectly.
3. A widow who is in her four months’ waiting period (‘iddah) after her husband’s death. It is forbidden (harãm) to propose to her directly but he is allowed to propose to her indirectly. (See the Qur’an 2:235)
4. An engaged woman: Is it permissible for man to propose a lady who is already engaged? Among the past scholars, there are
two views on this issue: from makruh (irreprehensible) to harãm (forbidden). However, if a woman who has just received a proposal but has not yet responded to it positively, it is permissible to propose her. In this case, if a man proposes to an engaged woman and eventually marries her, then according to those who consider that proposal to be haram, although the act of proposing is sinful but the actual marriage between the two would still be valid.
Engagement CeremonyThere is no such thing as an engagement ceremony in Islam. “Engagement” is just a nonbinding agreement to marry. However, Muslims have adopted certain traditions from other cultures or made their own customs. Technically, if traditions don’t violate the shari‘ah laws, then there is no problem. For example , among the Shi‘as of north India, the man’s family go with an “Imam zãmin” to the girl’s family and tie it on her arm as a well-wish gesture for the girl – this is done by the women of the man’s family.
These days, many Muslim cultures have adopted the Western tradition of giving or exchanging engagement rings. Apparently, this was first done by Maximilian I, the Holy Roman Emperor , in 1477 when he gave a diamond ring to Mary of Burgundy. However, there is a problem in this tradition: since the engagement does not make the man and the woman mahram to one another, they cannot touch one another even for giving the engagement ring,they still have to observe the rules of hijab. The only solution is to recite the temporary nikah for the purpose of becoming mahram only. For more details, see my
Marriage & Morals in Islam.
Problems & Conflicts
These days the so-called “engagement ceremony” is becoming more like a mini marriage ceremony! I am not saying that don’t do your engagement ceremony – if you do it within the bounds of shari‘ah, then there is no problem, BUT don’t over do it! Don’t rob the actual marriage of its mystique!
Even the tradition of giving gifts –the man’s family gives to the engaged woman– is overdone in some cultures. I am told that at every occasion on our religious calendar, the boy’s family is expected to send clothes and jewellery to the girl. This is okay; but it becomes a big problem when the engagement is broken off.
1. If the engagement is broken off by one party, then the other cannot claim for damages for breaking the agreement since it was of a nonbinding nature. One cannot claim for damages for ‘loss of reputation’ or ‘depression’ or ‘air fare for our trips to visit you,’ or ‘the deposit paid for the hall rental’ and etc. Remember you cannot unwind your life; unpleasant things happen and you have to move on and carry on with your life.
2. Of course, both parties have the right to ask back for the gifts given to one another:
(a) If the gifts were of perishable nature (e.g., sweets), then there is no basis for asking it back or its value.
(b) If the gifts were non-perishable (e.g., cash or jewellery),then there is two possibilities:
i. If it still exists, then it should be given back.
ii. If it perished or doesn’t exist any more, then:
1. if it perished out of negligence, then pay its value.
2. if it perished without anyone’s fault, then there is nothing.
So keeping the engagement relationship simple helps in dealing with potential problems later on. But if you still want to indulge in extravagance during the engagement period, then those who give should be prepared to forget everything in case the engagement is broken off and those who receive should be prepared to consider the gifts as ‘trust’ and be prepared to give them back.
3. However, according to Islamic laws, the gifts given to a person related to you by blood cannot be asked back. (Blood relationship means biological relationship as opposed to relationship through marriage.) So, for example, if the engagement is between cousins and then it is broken off, the parties cannot ask back for the gifts that they had given to one another.
10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person
There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
- The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
- Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
- Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:
- Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
- Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:
- Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
- Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
- The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
- Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
- Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
- Be flexible. Be open-minded!
- Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
- Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
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by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi
The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
